Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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