I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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