oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
