Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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