I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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