After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
