So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
