I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
