What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
