my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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