my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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