i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
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