Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We need to feng shui this bitch.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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