I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
