You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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