why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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