I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
