i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
