It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize