miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
