ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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