if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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