Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
