o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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