My friends, they love my intelligence
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
