gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
