I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
