I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
