oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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