So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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