fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
