if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
