I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
