she woke up with a sticky ear
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I have fence marks all over my body
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
