it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
