i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
