Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
