dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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