I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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