carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
