Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
