My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
