Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
