I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
