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I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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