You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
