Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
