I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
