So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
