1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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