Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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