I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
