I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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