my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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