Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
